Weather spirits seek revenge

This year's weather has been some of the craziest I have ever seen. My brother in DC walked around in 3 feet of snow after the storm shut down the area metro and forced them to hike across the bridge over the Potomac. My parents in Philadelphia had over 2 feet of snow on the ground for almost a month. Even Nashville received more snow than we've had since 2002. 8 inches may not be a lot for those of us hailing from the Northeast, but for a city with only a handful of snow plows and ice trucks? It shut things down completely.

Nashville was flooded May 1/2 in the craziest rains that I've ever witnessed. We had over a foot of water fall in two days, launching the city and surrounding areas into total disaster. My exit from the interstate was featured on national news - the one on I-24 with the "house" floating by. Yup, that was less than a mile from my home.

The good news? I live on a hill. I live on the 2nd story of an apartment complex on a hill, aptly named for being like the Chimney Top. I was fortunate. Many people across the state lost everything. Rivers, creeks, streams - everything turned into mayhem. Interstates were shut down, Vanderbilt even postponed the Monday finals for the students. It's being called a 100-year flood - meaning the type of natural disaster that only hits every century.

Now? Now we are slowly melting away beneath a heat that is crazier than anything we've seen in Nashville in years. I was amazed at the reading on my car earlier in the week - astounded that it was triple-digits in June. Later on the same drive home (at 6pm, mind you), I clocked another reading. This is with the air conditioning going and, presumably, cooling down the air right outside my car.

So I'm saying a big "we are sorry" to the weather spirits. I know that mankind has fucked up royally. We have an oil spill gushing thousands of barrels of poison into your ecosystems in the Gulf of Mexico. We have destroyed the protective ozone layers around the planet. We have stripped the forests bare. Whether this is revenge or not, I don't know. But I'm praying the extremes lessen before the next season changes.

Live your own life

I need to vent, and this is my space to do so. If you are someone who is seeking treatment for an issue - be warned, you may not like what I have to say.

I talked to another friend today who is leaving for residential treatment for her eating disorder. I saw this friend less than a month ago and se was talking about how well she was doing, how it was going to be different this time. She'd just gotten out of hospitalization-number-i-can't-keep-track. She's going away to a new place, hoping this one will work.

Too many people seem to forget that the most important component of therapy or treatment programs is YOU. You have to be your own agent for change, your own rope tied to safer ground and brighter futures. You have to be willing do dive in and do the difficult work - no one is going to save you, you have GOT to save yourself. Programs provide structure for people to engage in therapeutic conversations and experiences. But they are not the answer. Clearly - because so few people hold onto recovery after leaving the 24-7 system of a residential treatment facility.

It just... makes me mad. There is so much in this thing called life. But you've got to be part of the game to experience running the bases, catching the ball, and striking out. Life isn't easy. It's an emotional roller coaster that frequently gets off track. But it's the only one we've got and it's ours to experience. People that refuse to live their own lives... that hide in treatment program after treatment program... that supply ample excuses for their inability to do the work... and place ownership of the problem on anything external that comes to mind... drive me nuts!!

It also drives me nuts that so many programs do not work. Why? There is no transition out. That's what I want to do - why I'm going back to school. I'm tired of programs setting people up to fail, and the people accepting that failure as a given. There has to be a better way. I believe more people can fight back a hell of a lot faster than the current status quo.

So in summary, I leave you with a challenge. A challenge to do ONE thing in the next 24 hours that will move you forward. Will create an opportunity, connection or positive experience. Something that will assist you in living your OWN life. And I challenge you to come back her and leave a comment about what you did.

Proud in Nashville

This weekend was the Nashville PRIDE festival - a holiday for LGBTQI individuals across the state, and a few from surrounding areas. Our Office of LGBTQI Life had a table at the event, so all the staff at the Women's Center and KCPC headed down to the Riverfront for various shifts.

Working Pride is more wonderful that words can say. Having a shaded booth to sit under? Priceless! Knowing enough people with influence to have a booth right near the stage? Key. Having colleagues come all day long to say hello and borrow your shade? Entertaining to say the least.

I took the above photo of Nashville while walking across the Pedestrian Bridge. If you park at LP Field, you can get downtown for free without paying the ridiculous public parking fees. Except... when someone decides to get married ON the bridge, you will have a long walk in excruciating heat at the end of your long day of working and sweating. Yup, you read that right folks. Some couple decided to get married ON THE BRIDGE. Which then shut it down, leaving a gaggle of gays stranded on the wrong side of river. How rude!!

So what is PRIDE? It's a celebration of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Intersex community. It's a chance for gay-friendly vendors and organizations to showcase their work, for liberal politicians to solicit votes, and for LGBTQI folks to walk hand in hand down the streets of Nashville without fearing criticism or reproach. It's a musical festival with lots of fair-food - ice cream, bbq chicken on a stick, loaded fries, etc. And a chance to pick up more freebies with rainbows than at a Wizard of Oz theme party.

For me, being Proud in Nashville is twofold. I'm proud of the person that I am identity-wise, and I'm proud of this city that I belong to. Nashville is home to me, it is where I found my voice and my strength to always push forward, no matter what life tosses my way. This is the world where I belong. And I am proud to be in Nashville.

Girlfriends

Apologies for taking a few days off. Thing have gotten crazy in my world pretty quickly, but are starting to untangle quite nicely. My first update comes from a surprise last week.

As you may have read, the week was a bit bumpy. Unexpected drama will do that to you, or at least to me. I talked to my new interest about this for a good bit. Well, Thursday these INCREDIBLE flowers show up at work. I was simply floored. And I do mean floored.

This is just one of the many reasons I greatly prefer girlfriends to boyfriends. Not only is it like I've come home to where I belong, but I'm finally dating a genre of person that "gets it" and enjoys doing these cutesy things. Now, I am not used to being spoiled and I am adamant that I will not be a "kept woman" so to speak. But the romantic factor gets lots of "oooo"s and "awwwwhs" from me. And my coworkers.

Girls are just... I can't describe it. Any doubts I've ever had about the way I roll, the team I bat for, insert euphemism here... gone. I've found where I belong. I've found my niche. I've found the way to live my life and I have found a person I want to spend my time with. It's just dating... or going steady... or whatever antiquated language you want to use. It's beautiful and sincere.

The best thing I did was dare to give it a try. To break from the norms that were hammered into my head. I found out more about who I was... who I wanted to be... and who I've always been. Taste true happiness and you can never go back to mediocrity.

A Request

Dear World,

Please stop talking about how much you want to lose weight, change your body, alter your size, skip meals, or otherwise engage in unhealthy behaviors. Please stop obsessing about what you do or do not look like. Please stop having these conversations outside my office door, while we're out for coffee, or trying to eat lunch. It sucks you're not happy with your body - but do you think talking about how unhappy you are with it is going to make you feel better or worse?

Weight does not define you. It's a number - it's insignificant in the grand scheme of things. If you want to work out, do so because you want to, not because you have a goal to change the way your body is meant to be. And please, stop talking about portion control and how much you admire the willpower of others. It's not always willpower, sometimes it's illness. It's a life-threatening condition that plagues so many more people that you'll ever realize.

So stop. STOP! Stop hating on the body that the Goddess gave to you and start loving it, nurturing it, and learning how it feels to be you. Stop hiding, running and resisting. Embrace the way you are - curves, imperfections, freckles, everything else. You are unique and beautiful as you are. Why do we keep trying to fit ourselves in some unreachable mold?

Okay, I feel better now.

Most sincerely,
me

The first foot is the hardest

In the old expression that describes resiliency by placing one foot and putting it in front of the other, no matter what else is going on, there is one slight oversight. The cliche grossly underestimates the difficulty of lifting that first foot off the ground!

Today, my feet are clad in cute Payless black slides with a small heel to help keep my white pants from dragging on the ground. Heels are a favorite of mine, though I prefer to keep them to boots. I am a self-described boot-addict. If there were meetings - Boots Anonymous - I would attend. Alas, I digress.

The challenge for today is to pick up one of these feet and to place it solidly on the ground before me. Challenges arise in our daily lives all the time. Some are easier to navigate around than others. I find myself feeling quite heavy from the challenge laid before me yesterday, and frustrated that it seems to have clipped my wings. I refuse to wallow and I refuse to let negativity deviate me from my path. It's irritating to me when "constructive criticism" is too vague to be useful and too specific to ignore. It's one thing to be told you are problematic, it's another when there is no "this is how" to follow through upon.

Alas, I'm stubborn enough to move my feet despite the lack of confidence in my dance step. I'll fake it 'til I make it, smile on my face. I am me. At the end of the day, that "me" may need to be adapted for others to understand, but no one gets to make me feel guilty for being myself. That's what happened yesterday. I'm officially rejecting that notion. If I am going to lead any type of successful program, it must be one grounded in authenticity. I am not perfect and I have a long way to go to be the most effective leader possible. But I refuse to let feedback hit me so personally. I refuse to allow the words of one to undermine years of education and experience. The words were harsh - sharp as days-old cheddar cheese. But you know what? That person does not know ME. And perhaps her words were necessary for the improvement of the program, but it was not okay that the delivery created an environment of hostility and extreme doubt. Assess my style of communication and presentation, advise me on ways to improve and to connect with more people. But do not sling words at the person behind the position.

I am me. I have worked hard to be proud of that statement and not see it as an embarrassment or an excuse. No one is going to tear that apart.

A Lesson in Humility

Ever have one of those days when everything you do seems determined to bring you down a few notches? That's been the type of day this one has been, and it's only 2:30 in the afternoon! I'm grateful to the incredible weekend that I just had as it's built me up enough to know that this too will pass. That I am more than any one piece of my parts, and that sometimes difficult conversations are needed to help you grow.

I'm one of those girls that will cry when she's upset - a trait that I've had to nurture over time as I was taught leaking water from your eyes was a heinous, despicable thing to do, especially in public. I've since come to embrace the tears - they are FAR healthier than the alternatives that pop up when you spend a lifetime holding them back. Still, I am reluctant to let the streams flow while in a professional role or environment.

Anyways, today's lesson has been one in humility. Getting a dose of the importance of separating out the person from the work and the reality of working for a cause far larger and greater than you ever can be as one person. There's a balance in this work - a line to walk between giving too much of your spirit to your path, making you vulnerable to critical remarks and leaving too much of your spirit out of the work, creating an emotionless robot that destroys the delicate work you are doing with insensitivity and routine. It's a balance I must continue to work on.

I received some feedback that I have an "edge" to me that turns people off. That I'm not easily accessible and that my image can damage the budding relationships we are creating. The feedback came from a trusted source who was a filter - an honest conversation after a rough conversation she had with someone last week. I admire this person greatly and appreciate her lens to view this feedback from. I admire the person who gave the feedback as well - though I'm left scratching my head as usually I'm told that I'm TOO open and TOO connected with the issue, or NOT formal enough. Honestly, it doesn't make much sense to me. But it is what it is, and any good facilitator must be able to adapt at the risk of alienating your audience. I am a professional and I can mold my presentation style to meet the needs of those needing to hear my message.

It's hard to believe in yourself as confidently as you had when you get this message. It's hard to trust you're doing it right at all. It's hard to keep from generalizing to other areas of your world where you've been less secure traditionally. But really? This is part of life. Accepting that you are an imperfect being and that you are going to have shortcomings, just like everyone else. That certain characteristics that are strengths in the eyes of many can be obstacles in the eyes of an important few. And that really? You are just another player in a puzzle MUCH larger than you.

It's humbling. It stings a little. Like a child running freely who falls on the pavement, scratching up her knee. Blood begins to flow as the first throbs of pain hit the body. Does she give up running outside? Hardly. She takes a minute to pick out the gravel and clean herself up, then heads back out into the world.

not so hopeless romantic

Yesterday was a day from the movies and one that made this hopeless romantic completely intoxicated with happiness. I've been dating this girl, S, for a few weeks now and things are going quite well. I spent yesterday morning getting ready (including the daily dose of vitamin-D acquisition by the pool). S arrived around 2ish in the afternoon and we had some down time together before heading off on our adventures. We went to campus area topick up tickets to the Nashville Rollergirls showdown that night at the Fairgrounds - at Benand Jerry's - and then sat by a magnolia tree eating our ice cream cones. Itried to get on the limb, but couldn't manage to hoist myself up there AND keep the ice cream from falling, so I chose to sit by it instead of ON it.

From there, we drove down to Centennial Park - one of the Nashville hot-spots. I showed her some of my favorite trees to lounge under, benches that I occupy on less-hot-and-humid days, and my favorite places in the park. There's a man-made lake in the middle of the park, so we walked around that before alighting on one of the many covered swings. We watched a wedding get set up and saw the bride arrive in her white limo. We watched a church group sing songs and hold a benefit asking for help for someone in their congregation. We watched people as they passed and made up stories about what they were doing. We chatted about faith

and spirituality, life and dreams, goals and wishes. Our lips touched gently for a few stolen kisses - not wanting to create a scene, but at peace all the same.

We met up with some of my work-friend for dinner at Calypso. Or that was the plan. Michael sent us directions to a place he found - one of the many restaurants in this chain. Except... when we got there... it was nothing by a warehouse and the company headquarters/catering service!! He and Katie arrived shortly thereafter and we made alternative dinner plans. Except then he got us lost AGAIN, before admitting defeat and letting me be the lead car. We landed at Smiling Elephant, a lovely Thai place on 8th Ave an

d I had some of the best fried rice of my life. :) And diet coke never tasted so good as to when you've been out in the sun all day long.

Next came the Rollergirls. How do I explain this one? Imagine a team of women wearing short skirts or spandex shorts, with leggings in various colors, and some with face paint. Now imagine them on roller skates and going round and round the track. It was INCREDIBLE! The audience? A very liberal blend of people - mostly on the LGBTQI spectrum - and very engaged in the derby. Nashville CRUSHED Knoxville, winning by over 100 points. It was awesome, and I'm definitely going to attend the next meet in town. The four of us met up with 3 other work-related colleagues here... sitting together and cheering on the home team. Even S, despite her connection to Knoxville.

Since it was only 9pm and we were already hot and sweaty from the whole day, we decided to head out to Lipstick Lounge - a fantastic lesbian karaoke bar in East Nashville. Only 4 of us in total decided to go... but we had a BLAST! S is an amazing singer, so she got up and did a couple of songs. It was incredible to be somewhere like that with my date... to be able to dance, hold hands, smooch... anything really... without fear or hesitation. To be "one of the family" and at home. I was talking to S later, and she said that was the first time she's ever been with an all-LGBTQI group of people and that it was down right liberating. I must agree. :)

S stayed the night... and we spent about 3 hours today by the apartment complex pool. Incredible times... just laughing, chatting, munching on snacks (aka munchies) and goofing off in the pool. She finally had to head out as I have a few projects I need to work on today for commission-based work I'm doing with my art. We put on a fantastic slow song about Blue Eyes (we both have blue eyes) and that's how we ended out the wonderful weekend. Yes, we're cheesy. But you know what? The hopeless romantic isn't such a dying breed these days!!!

In other news... Saturday was the first time I wore short-shorts like that in, well, forever. Possibly ever. It was too damn hot (95, heat index around 105) for anything else. Body image be damned, I know I look better than I think I do, and my body appreciated having more room to breathe. Besides, I had the woman I wanted on my arms... and there's a confidence that comes from that that makes a person's spirit simply soar.

I won't see her until after July 4... the down side of long distance. Even not-so-long-distance. But we had a great weekend together and I look forward to seeing where it goes. I had my taste of romantic for this month... and that's a taste I look forward to repeating.

A different type of barometer

It's summertime in Nashville and it's hotter than an engine after a day's ride across country outside. I'm the typical person that lives by herself (technically with two dependents, both fur-balls) and tries to save money whenever possible. So on the hottest days, I keep my apartment set around 80 - it's cooler than outside by about 15 degrees, but not ridiculously cold inside or creating possible thunderstorms on my doorway.

Anyways, so I was cleaning out my fridge this morning in preparation to go grocery shopping. You have to remove all the foods that you can no longer eat as they have started to become science experiments... and then take inventory of what you can combine and what's just not going to get eaten this week. That way you have room for new supplies. I noticed a can of biscuits that had migrated to the back-most corner of the fridge. They expired 2 months ago, so I tossed them in the can under the sink.

From here, I got distracted with the temptation of sitting out by the apartment pool in the sunshine before the kids all woke up and took over the serene landscape. I'm just in from a lazy hour or two of bronzing myself (okay, it will BE bronze tomorrow, now it's a soft pink hue). I'm checking my various online accounts when "POP!!!!" happens in my apartment.

First instinct? Cats. Both were in sight and accounted for. Second instinct? That empty coffee can I put under the sink this morning might have fallen over. I was wrong on both accounts (see me modeling how you can admit when you are wrong?). When I opened the door to the kitchen cabinet, there was half a can of biscuits on the other side of the storage area... and half a can of biscuits still in the trash can, dough rolling out gently from the new opening. And dare I say, it was starting to rise!!

That's right folks. In a rare combination of expired biscuit dough, ridiculous external heat, and just the right amount of internal heat... the biscuits started to grow on their own in the trash!!

Definitely means it's time to knock down the temperature a few degrees, and of course, to take out the trash.