After a violent incident happens to an individual, a race begins. The key players in his or her life line up inside the gates of the carrel and wait for the deafening sound of the shotgun before galloping full speed in the Blame Game. Who will win? Was it his fault? Was it her fault? Was it what she was wearing? Was it where he was walking? Was it who she called to take her home? Was it that he didn’t call anyone to take him home?
Regardless of gender, after an assault, our society becomes obsessed with finding culpability on the individual who was assaulted. The victim. Unlike any other crime, victims of sexual assault are antagonized by loved ones, professionals, peers – everyone – until they can prove that they were not at fault. The game is ruthless and often results in extraordinary difficulty for the survivor.
This morning, my parents and I engaged in conversation about the stupidity of certain college students. This population is the one that will get obliterated on the weekend, the get upset at the college professional staff when they trip down the stairs that we didn’t do enough to keep them safe. I expressed frustration at this attitude and the parents who then call up the school and demand we install railings on the stairwells, childproof gates, or whatever expensive and pointless equipment they can create that might help keep their young drunk safe. Failure to do so is our fault as an Institution.
My parents pointed out that only a few years ago, I held this belief. My mother says “You insisted you could dress however you wanted and you did – like a whore – and then you wondered why things happened to you. Idiotic things happen to idiotic people.” And my father laughed a little, saying how interesting it was that I came to understand their point of view at last.
Now, anyone that knows me knows a few things off the bat. When it comes to anything around assigning blame for a sexual assault, it is never the fault of the victim or survivor. I don’t care who you are or what you were doing, it is NEVER your fault that someone chooses to violate your body against your will. Never. Sexual assaults do not happen in a vacuum. There are tens of people that interact with both the potential victim and potential instigator in the hours before the potential assault occurs. Why don’t we focus our energies on this population? If one person would step in, say something, do something, interrupt this recipe for assault – then the action would be prevented. It’s that simple. There is no point in arguing culpability after the fact – the one is still assaulted and the other an assaulter. Neither are good shoes to fill.
So stop. Just… stop. Stop judging. Stop belittling. Stop joining the masses in the stables and stop placing your bets on the winning horse. Stop. Take one fraction of that time and energy and next time YOU are out and see something that has potential to go awry, do something. Do something directly. Or create a distraction. Or delegate by involving someone else. The whole conversation about blame can be avoided if we stop the potential assaults before they happen. This isn’t a He Said or She Said problem any more. It’s a problem for all of us. We are the people that interact with the potential players involved in the hours before the potential assault. The responsibility to interrupt that potential lies within each of us. So stop. Just… stop. And start doing something that will actually make a difference.
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