Too much of my life I've spent doing things because it would make someone else happy. I've changed how I dress, how I talk, how I act, how I look, how I weigh - pretty much everything - to fit someone else's standards. That other person can change. It's been family members, friends I wanted to impress, and romantic partners. I've worked hard at NOT figuring out who I am because it was easier to be who others wanted me to be.
No more.
This year has been my radicalizing year, at least for my 20s. It's been the year I stand up to myself and dare to be myself. It's a year to push the line in order to discover where that line is. It's a chance to take risks and experiment with who I am - the parts I like and the parts that scared me silly. So far? It's going famously.
I recently left a group of people because I found myself, once more, doing things because I "should" or "ought" or to avoid letting others down. I found myself caught up in what I thought others thought of me or worrying about why someone didn't say or do something at a certain time - trivial things really. Very mundane, high school things. This wasn't an impact of any one person - it was something I found in myself that I didn't like. I'm done doing things for others because I feel guilty or like I won't be approved or liked if I don't. I am me, nothing more and nothing less. Those around me will like me for that person and I won't have to hide any aspect of my personality, lifestyle or path.
So now, I'm faced with a first decision. I have several conflicts with an event on Saturday. I had agreed to go to something because I felt like it was the right thing to do. But it's not something my heart is in. I'd be going because I feel like I should, not because I especially feel like my presence would be wanted or that my contributions would be meaningful. It'd be going because NOT going would be a difficult thing to do. Now, however, I have an opportunity to display my art at a new cafe opening on Monday the 12th. The same Saturday that I'm supposed to be at this one thing, I'm supposed to be loading in my art. I've wrestled with this for a good bit... but really? I need to do the art. This is the culmination of a YEAR of my work and represents something that is true to my spirit and my path.
Added into this, the girl that I'm dating will be in town Thursday evening-Monday morning. I don't see her often and really? I don't want to spend the Saturday away from her. Now, I know that's selfish. But she has my heart in a way this other group of people never did. When I'm with her, time simultaneously freezes and races by at the same time. She's agreed to help me hang my art in this cafe/restaurant... and she'd also said she'd stay by the pool at home if I wanted to go to the shower. So it's not really about her. It's about me. And my decision not to live my life according to the standards of others, but according to my own heart and soul.
It's not an easy thing to do. I'd rather just go back on a diet to please those that care, show up at things because it's easier than fighting, and slide along in my life without causing fuss or argument. Except... that's not living. It's a half-life that has consumed far too much of my existence to date. So no, no more of that. I'm going to keep on doing those difficult things. I may lose some people along the way (I've already lost quite a few), but those that are still with me at the end will be the ones that are the strongest, closest and deepest of relationships.
So here's to doing the difficult thing.
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